I had this idea that I'd come home and be done blogging. That life was interesting and worth writing about in Italy (very true), but mundane and meaningless at home (jury's out). Banality at home gives you plenty of time to blog, however, so here I am. And don't pretend you didn't miss me; there's nothing else to do right now since you're all out of work.
Here it is: I like America. Not the eagles 'n guns part, but the fresh-faced, smoke-free, perky, can-do gestalt that you just don't get anywhere else. Something's different, though. I don't just mean different from Europe (duh; coffee's better there), I mean different from what it was when we left. Mortgages, for example, could be had in 2007. Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were the only executives regularly vilified in the press. There was a press.
Seems just yesterday we all thought we needed second homes in Bar Harbor or Friday Harbor. Now most of us would be happy with a decent mortgage on a split-level in Oak Harbor. The American Dream has gone retro: All victory gardens and making-do and hard work and burlap.
But call me a Leading Indicator and scroll me across the bottom of the tv screen, because I see an end to this, soon, based on what I call the Frequency of Inquiries by Lucky Bastards planning to Live In Europe Index. And the FILBLIE Index is skyrocketing these days. Seems like everyone is trying to live somewhere else. And of those, roughly half have asked me for advice. So I'm going to put it down for posterity and wish I'd charged for it later.
1. GO ABROAD. Don't come up with reasons why you can't. You will always find excuses not to go. Here's a little added incentive for those on the fence: Your children are almost grown up and if you don't go now they'll drift away from you and they won't get that all-important global perspective and they'll never get into college and you'd better just go.
2. UNPLUG YOUR DRYER NOW. That way, when you get to wherever it is you're going, you'll be used to the idea of clotheslines and can focus on learning the language and getting a cellphone.
3. DON'T RUSH OUT AND GET A CELLPHONE. Ask around and get several opinions first. It was two, three weeks into our sojourn that we swapped stories with locals and other expats and realized we'd spent twice as much as we needed to on our plans and phones.
4. GET A VISA. (You don't really need one. But if anyone asks, I told you to GET A VISA.)
5. YOUR KIDS ARE THE PERFECT AGE. They're not too old. Funny thing about dragging unwilling teens out of their element and forcing them to live in permissive, worldly places with topless sunbathing: They love it. They don't want to leave. Also, they're not too young. What's the worst thing that will happen if you take your two-year-old? Fluency in two languages? Quelle horreur!
6. THE ELITE 4-AND-UNDER WATER POLO TEAM WILL BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK, IF INDEED YOU STILL CARE. If little Jimmy is destined for greatness, taking him to Europe will not hurt his chances, and may even boost them. And if he isn't, taking him to Europe will give him skills to fall back on, like perspective and stuff.
7. TAKE THE DOGS. But try to bring them with you on the plane, either below decks or, if Snuggles is drop-kickable, in one of those ridiculous carry-ons. Because sending them cargo is pricey, and retrieving anything from a European loading dock is never simple. Get an airline-approved kennel in which your dog can stand up comfortably, then call ahead and make sure the cargo doors in your plane will accommodate a kennel that size. Or just take your private jet so the little tiger can play fetch at 40,000 feet, and can I get a ride?
8. GORGE ON CHEDDAR CHEESE JUST BEFORE YOU LEAVE. That way, when you can't get it anywhere, you won't care because you'll be sick of it already. Or, just move to Britain. They're lousy with it over there.
Seems just yesterday we all thought we needed second homes in Bar Harbor or Friday Harbor. Now most of us would be happy with a decent mortgage on a split-level in Oak Harbor. The American Dream has gone retro: All victory gardens and making-do and hard work and burlap.
But call me a Leading Indicator and scroll me across the bottom of the tv screen, because I see an end to this, soon, based on what I call the Frequency of Inquiries by Lucky Bastards planning to Live In Europe Index. And the FILBLIE Index is skyrocketing these days. Seems like everyone is trying to live somewhere else. And of those, roughly half have asked me for advice. So I'm going to put it down for posterity and wish I'd charged for it later.
1. GO ABROAD. Don't come up with reasons why you can't. You will always find excuses not to go. Here's a little added incentive for those on the fence: Your children are almost grown up and if you don't go now they'll drift away from you and they won't get that all-important global perspective and they'll never get into college and you'd better just go.
2. UNPLUG YOUR DRYER NOW. That way, when you get to wherever it is you're going, you'll be used to the idea of clotheslines and can focus on learning the language and getting a cellphone.
3. DON'T RUSH OUT AND GET A CELLPHONE. Ask around and get several opinions first. It was two, three weeks into our sojourn that we swapped stories with locals and other expats and realized we'd spent twice as much as we needed to on our plans and phones.
4. GET A VISA. (You don't really need one. But if anyone asks, I told you to GET A VISA.)
5. YOUR KIDS ARE THE PERFECT AGE. They're not too old. Funny thing about dragging unwilling teens out of their element and forcing them to live in permissive, worldly places with topless sunbathing: They love it. They don't want to leave. Also, they're not too young. What's the worst thing that will happen if you take your two-year-old? Fluency in two languages? Quelle horreur!
6. THE ELITE 4-AND-UNDER WATER POLO TEAM WILL BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK, IF INDEED YOU STILL CARE. If little Jimmy is destined for greatness, taking him to Europe will not hurt his chances, and may even boost them. And if he isn't, taking him to Europe will give him skills to fall back on, like perspective and stuff.
7. TAKE THE DOGS. But try to bring them with you on the plane, either below decks or, if Snuggles is drop-kickable, in one of those ridiculous carry-ons. Because sending them cargo is pricey, and retrieving anything from a European loading dock is never simple. Get an airline-approved kennel in which your dog can stand up comfortably, then call ahead and make sure the cargo doors in your plane will accommodate a kennel that size. Or just take your private jet so the little tiger can play fetch at 40,000 feet, and can I get a ride?
8. GORGE ON CHEDDAR CHEESE JUST BEFORE YOU LEAVE. That way, when you can't get it anywhere, you won't care because you'll be sick of it already. Or, just move to Britain. They're lousy with it over there.
More gems to come. If I laid them all out at once, there might be a mass exodus and who would be left to support the farmers' markets and wear the Petit Bateau and buy high-threadcount bedding?
Phrase of the day: Come? Non c'e formaggio cheddar? Il cibo qui deve essere terribile! (What? No cheddar? The food here must be terrible!)
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