They had me at "Funicular"

I've had every intention of loving Capri since I found out it was filled with stylish people and teak runabouts and Italian movie stars. I was filled with anticipation when we boarded the boat (and not only because I was eager to leave Crazytown -er, Naples).

We arrived at Marina Grande, and there, at the foot of a steep hill, was a funicular.That's the funny little steep train thingamy you take to the top of the island from the Marina Grande, where the ferries dock.

I love a funicular. And I really love a funicular that takes you to a sunny piazza with a view of the Bay of Naples. But I wouldn't be a discerning traveler if I allowed a funicular to inform my opinion of a place; I'd be over the moon about Dogpatch, Arkansas (look it up). So I waited until we disembarked from the funicular and eyed the piazza and tasted the gelato and smelled the oranges, saw the ruins and the grottoes and the crystal-clear water, and then declared Capri to be everything I'd decided it was years ago.

It's definitely not a penny-pincher's destination, but nobody ever accused me of being a skinflint. Cappuccinos are not the normal .90 euro; here they are 1.30. Gelato's pricey, too. But, really, what price paradise? I'm not the first person to decide Capri is a nice place; several Roman emperors built enormous villas here, and one, Tiberius, moved the capital from Rome to Capri so he could rule the empire from the comfort of his own seaside resort. (This is also the man who threw servants off a nearby cliff just to see what they looked like when they fell, so not all of his ideas were so hot.)

The island has fallen in and out of favor with the smart set over the centuries, but it has remained resolutely in vogue since August 1826, when German writer August Kopisch rediscovered the Blue Grotto. The Blue Grotto is a cave at the water's edge whose low entrance should make it a dark, creepy place. But sunlight passing through an underwater cavity permeates the place with an ethereal blue glow. Once known and used by the Romans as a nymphaeum, the geological marvel was forgotten until the enterprising Kopisch stumbled on it. He sent word of his discovery to the rest of Europe and thrill-seekers have been paying to see the sight ever since.

We were not among them; our guide, who early-on decided I was to be our group's translator and peppered my morning with 'Vendy! Vendy!', told us the cost wasn't worth it at this time of year. It is a marvel in July, however, when the sun is at the right angle and masses of tourists risk nose scabs and pay good money to lay on their backs in little boats and squeeze under the cave's low entrance.

Eliminating the Blue Grotto gave us more time to skirt the rest of the island. It's not hard, when you're on a little wooden boat with a sun-ripened skipper at the helm, drifting slowly past the uninhabited parts of Capri, to imagine you're Odysseus lashed to a mast to avoid the lure of the Sirens, or a Roman noble looking for the stone steps that will take you up to your villa. The Sirens are gone, but the remains of Roman staircases still rise out of the blue depths and disappear halfway up white cliffs.

The omission also gave our eggplant-tinted friend extra time to show us the other, less famous grottoes: The Emerald Grotto, the White Grotto, the Grotto of Love, the Marvelous Grotto, and a dozen others. There's more absence of rock here than rock itself. He pointed out former Saracen castles that now house Mariah Carey and the Swarovski family (well, not together, though that would make for a good reality show). Mind you, he only pointed these things out to me, saying, 'Vendy! Vendy!' I would turn my head to the left, listen to his Italian, then translate for the rest of the party, who were no doubt extremely annoyed that he assumed they didn't understand (they didn't, but don't tell them I said that). If it makes them feel better, I developed a stiff neck on the left side that I brought home along with some nice soaps. Still have both.

Italian phrase of the day: "E stracciatella sul suo naso? No? Eh, hai visitato la Grotta Azzura." (Is that chocolate chip gelato on your nose? No? You must have visited the Blue Grotto)